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How Thinking Like a Toddler Helps You Practice

How Thinking Like a Toddler Helps You Practice

 

This is my nephew Jack*

Jack didn’t want any Christmas presents this year.

At least, that’s what he told us at bedtime on Christmas Eve…
 
 

Jack’s Mom: “Santa can’t bring you presents until you go to sleep.”

Jack: “I don’t want presents!”

(Pouts adorably.)
 

Jack knows something that most adults don’t

Goals – no matter how important they are to you – aren’t a reliable source of motivation.

When it comes to making progress, the most common advice is “keep your eyes on the prize”.

But that doesn’t work in the long-term.
 

That’s because our inner toddler gets contrary

We all have an inner toddler. She wants what she wants, when she wants it. Even if what she wants isn’t in line with her long-term goals.

Jack definitely wanted presents. But in that moment, avoiding going to bed was the only thing he could think about.

And just like Jack, our inner toddler is usually sweet and compliant. But when she’s feeling contrary, no amount of logic can stop her from throwing a tantrum.

As a result, goals motivate us only when they feel immediate and important. But when we’re feeling resistance, our goals don’t seem so urgent. We think “oh, I can do that tomorrow”.

And when we’re feeling strong resistance, we question whether we really want them at all.
 

I Know Just How Jack Feels

I ran into that problem just last month.

My #1 priority for my performing career is to dance to live music for educated audiences in respectful venues.

And I’m finally returning to my favorite venue to dance with my favorite band, after several years away due to injuries.

So you’d think I’d be SUPER psyched to practice: after all I’m about to get what I really want after years of deprivation.

But the other morning, I went into my studio, looked myself in the eye, and thought “maybe I don’t really want this gig. It wasn’t really that great, was it…?”

Now, I could tell that was my inner toddler talking, so I didn’t listen. But even with that knowledge, I was really, REALLY tempted to quit.

So how do you deal with that level of resistance?
 

The Answer is Routine

Do you struggle to brush your teeth every day? I doubt it. That’s because, as an adult, brushing your teeth is part of your daily routine. You don’t have to decide whether or not you’re going to do it. It’s just what you do.

But getting a toddler to brush her teeth can be a battle. A toddler hasn’t established that routine yet, so it’s a daily struggle.

Just like you have to train a toddler to brush her teeth every day, we need to train ourselves to make practice a part of our daily routine.

We don’t decide to brush our teeth until we meet some goal and then give up. We accept that we’re going to do it every day for the rest of our lives. Then we repeat it until it stops being a decision.
 

Now, that doesn’t mean that goals are useless

Goals help us decide how to spend our practice time. We can choose drills and exercises that will help us meet our dance goals.

But to support a long-term practice habit, we need to keep our goals out of the decision whether to show up to practice. Because we need to stop deciding “whether”, and make showing up “just something we do”.
 

Summary

The only thing more powerful than a toddler’s desire for Christmas presents is resistance. That’s why “eyes on the prize” doesn’t motivate us in the long term: resistance makes our most deeply-held goals seem unimportant.

So instead of tying our practice to our goals, we need to make it part of our routine instead. Goals are still valuable, but their role is to help us decide what to practice, not whether to practice.

When we make practice a part of our daily routine, it’s no longer a decision; it’s just what we do.
 

* Technically, Jack is my husband’s cousin’s son, but he calls me “aunt”, so I’m going to run with “nephew”.

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